There’s the gentle lull of home routine, the fulfilled expectations and the predictability. Of course there’s also the knowledge of the world to come once I leave again – like seeing a train headed towards you on the tracks but resigning yourself to the impact.
I’m exceptionally good at deceiving myself – it’s something of a talent – I’ll often fool myself into postponing responsibilities and working myself into a tremendous flap once they can no longer be ignored. Avoided is a better word – I know they’re there, after all. I’ve always been jealous of people who can just get on with things, can accept that there’s no shying away. I have lived my whole life with my back against the wall, watching things pass me by. Opportunities, decisions, adventures. I wish I could unstick my hands from my sides and grab whatever’s closest.